Walls...
Isn't it amazing when God shows us something that about ourselves that we never would have imagined. I don't consider myself a person who builds walls. I am an open book, I share my heart with people and don't consider myself to be closed off. But my recent trip back to the US, visiting with friends and family convicted me. Much like a previous blog post where God was teaching me about opening myself to friendships even when they would soon end, he showed me that I had built walls around my heart for my loved ones.
I honestly live here (in Germany far from my family and friends) thinking, that I hardly miss the US at all. Of course I miss my friends and family, but it wasn't on a day to day basis...well as it turns out, it is because I had closed off pieces of my heart.
I am still struggling with how to live in such a way that one is not overcome by sadness, but also not closing off that part of you that would feel the pain. It truly struck me while I was at my brothers wedding rehearsal dinner. I was seated across from my sister in law and we spoke the whole dinner through. About kids, work, food, whatever. At the end of the night my heart ached with how much I had missed seeing her.
It wasn't that we don't keep in touch, we do FaceTime occasionally and follow each other on faceboook. But FaceTime conversations always have a sense of urgency to them. The kids are making funny faces and running around in the background, and at some point you know you are going to have to hang up, long before an in person conversation would have ended. You speak about the big things, and try to make sure all the major life events are covered, but you don't mention the little things, how the baby was up all night last night, or how you heard a funny story at your job the other day. It is just different. I resolved to make a greater effort with unhindered conversations with family, especially because we don't know when our next trip home will be.
I endeavour to continue to be open to friendship and family, even when that includes being open to pain and hurt as well.